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I've seen a few posts over the years where folks have a significant other with bipolar disorder. There are a few of us in the BP club on the forum as well. So, I figured I'd post about some of what I go through to help others better understand what this disorder does to a person. It also selfishly helps me work through it myself by writing it out.

I welcome and will do my best to answer most questions on the disorder, so feel free to ask to help yourself, someone you know or just out plain curiosity.

Anyway....

I realized last night that my mood cycle has been shifting into a depressive mood over the course of the last few days. I knew I was there when this thought kept looping through my head, "I want a break from being me." Right away I started working on relaxing myself and thinking about my children as a focus of my thoughts. As soon as I had that thought, I knew I had to start climbing out of this cycle, because I know where that thought pattern leads now.

Next it goes to I no longer want to live, because I'm just so tired of the cycles, the medication, masking my symptoms at work and not sleeping for days at a time.

If I'm not able to fight those thoughts and it takes me down lower, I will be a serious danger to myself. The next level of pain is I want to die. I havent gotten here often and only once was I about to do it. Wifey saved my life that day. It was a weird feeling. I had been miserable for weeks, and once I had made the decision to end it. I suddenly felt at peace and very calm. I was going to end the turmoil finally and told Wifey I needed her and the childrens social security cards. I needed to ensure all my beneficiaries were setup for my investment and bank accounts. I didnt tell Wifey that at the time.

This must have set off a siren in Wifeys head because after she gave me them, she asked what I needed them for and refused to leave, when I was being elusive on the answer. Eventually, I told her my plan, because I was beyond the point of caring if she knew. Wifey then refused to leave my side all day and night. I dont think she slept a wink that night either. In hindsight she should have committed me to the local behavioral hospital. I told her to do that next time and call the police if I refuse to go. I also told her that I'd likely be pissed at her for doing so in the moment, and that she shouldn't let that stop her, because at that point I've gone completely insane.

All of that was prior to going on medication. I was trying to CBT the disorder away, which just isnt possible. CBT cannot fix a mechanically/chemically/electrically busted brain. It is amazing for managing one though.

I've read that bipolar depression is like depression on steroids. No idea if that is true, because I've been this way for as long as I can remember. What I can say is that this depression is pretty scary, especially if I'm both manic AND depressed at the same time. That is where I was, when I wanted to end it all. Mixed mood cycles are the most dangerous and scary because you have depression, manic energy, poor understanding of future consequences and poor impulse control. That is a dangerous a deadly cocktail of crap to experience.

Fortunately, this time I'm on medication and I dont have multiple voices in my head screaming that I'm a POS that deserves to die, a bad father, bad husband etc. Its a weird experience. I mistook those voices as thoughts instead of hallucinations. What I am worried about now is going into psychosis, where I'll start visually hallucinating and think that everyone is out to hurt me. I will he convinced that Wifey wants to hurt or kill me. I havent slept much since Sunday, probably about 6 hours. My sleeping meds arent working and I dont drink alcohol anymore. It's one hell of a ride.

So, as you are thinking people with this disorder are behaving selfishly or self-centered at theses times. Please take a moment to understand that many of us have this whole mess that I wrote above going on inside us. We are being selfish and self-centered because it takes all the energy we have just to live and we may actually be in a fight for our lives. This doesnt excuse any horrible behavior directed at others, which can happens in these cycles. However, I hope it can give you a bit of perspective and maybe some understanding of how dangerous this disease is. It really sucks to have and we'd gladly cure it ourselves if we could.

Tonight will be another "fun" one. I think I'm entering a mixed mood episode due to lack of sleep. I'm going to let Wifey know right now, because that way she knows which version of me she is dealing with tonight.

This is awful and I will keep reminding myself and anyone else with this madness that it is only temporary even though my brain feels like it will be forever. Take care.

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